i was born a porn star she said
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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