i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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