I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
