you traded sex for a burrito?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
