So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
