I just made out with a guy for $7.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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