Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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