I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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