he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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