Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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