oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
