The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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