Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
