I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
