life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
