woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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