Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
