the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm really busy with my period
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