haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
