There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
