last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
