Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
