Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just threw up on my dentist
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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