I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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