my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So many bounce houses so little time
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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