She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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