Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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