Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
