I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I have feelings that need drinking.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Randomize
