so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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