Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
