Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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