I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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