It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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