Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
