I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
