So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
