you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
