i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
