ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
