the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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