It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
