Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
