I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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