I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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