Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
