i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
