just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
