I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
