I can text with my tongue
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
