Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
