I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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