I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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