so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
