I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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