He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
