Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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