areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
