I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
did i just pee glitter
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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